i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Randomize
