I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
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