Don't make out with my wife yet
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.