last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
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Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
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I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?