so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb