She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
