Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
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I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
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Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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