even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
