i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
