i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
