you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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