I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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