Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
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