I hate your face
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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