need another drink. this is the easiest way
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Randomize
