I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
