Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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