So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
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Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
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SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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