you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
