The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just cropdusted the office
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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