i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
and you fell through a lawn chair
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
