my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
