He passed out mid-signature
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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