we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
