I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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