It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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