I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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