yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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