I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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