dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
