everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
