nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Ketchup is God's man juice
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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