Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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