Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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