Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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