"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
