I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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