Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
