it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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