You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
