so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
