why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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