Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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