Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
