My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
