I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
