omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
