you guys were way drunker than both of me
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
