His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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