I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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