From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
