bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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