Soap is not a condiment
honey bunches of taint.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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