I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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