I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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