i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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