you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize