So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
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You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
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I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.