I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"