Your face is a jimmy john
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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