Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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