Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
